I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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