I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
