When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
