wakey wakey hands off snakey
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
