Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
