The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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