Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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