Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
