NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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