I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
