Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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