don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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