You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
