I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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