I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
