my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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