I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
