I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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