I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
