you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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