My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
