Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
