I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
pray to the hookup gods
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
