I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
