I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
