i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
