Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
zippers are such a cool invention
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He better not be in your backpack
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
