okay pat passed out under dana's car
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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