My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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