I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
