I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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