Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
