I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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