Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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