I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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