Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wish there were birth control emojis
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ladies don't puke and tell
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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