Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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