Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
