i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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