Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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