His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
