I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
