I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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