Nicole vs. Life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
