Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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