Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
