Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
