The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
