Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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