I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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